Samuel Said:

How is my personal statement (for university)?

We Answered:

I think it's a good start and it really expresses your passion for business.

. Tell them what you personally have learnt from seeing your parents run businesses.....they're not really interested in details of your family's businesses, they're interested in how that affects YOU. So maybe take out the part about what businesses your family has owned.

. Grammar.......when using speech, you need a capital letter for the first word within the speech marks:
“How much food....”
“What is the food....”

. When talking about your experience working within the family business write about WHAT you have learnt, HOW that will be useful to you on the course and WHY it makes you want to study business

. “So I have seen this business from the ground up”......tell them WHY this makes you want to study business, WHAT you have learnt about businesses from this, HOW it will be useful to you

. When talking about your work experience, tell them WHAT valuable insight you learnt, give examples of the “professions therein” that you mention, give examples of the responsibilites they carry. And tell them HOW that has furthered your understanding of business and how it makes you want to study business further

. Tell them how long you did work experience for and what you did there

. Rather than mentioning where you did your work experience at the end of the paragraph, write it at the beginning. “For my work experience in June 2009 I worked at the Oxford Belfry Hotel”. Or just skip the actual name, because they've probably never heard of it and won't really be interested in where it was specifically, just what it was that you did/learnt. Maybe just say “For my work experience in June 2009 I worked at a large hotel”

. As with the first piece of work experience, you probably don't actually need the name of the hotel

. Tell them WHAT you learnt about the differences between big and small businesses, how it's made you want to study business further and how it will be useful to you

. With the summer chip shop work, tell them HOW it made you want to study business further , WHAT you learnt about the day to day running of a business and HOW it will be useful to you in the future

. Give them an example of something you like learning about in business studies

. Cut out the word 'actually'. You used it when talking about your business award and when you were working at the chip shop (“I was actually placed” and “I actually obtained”)....it just sounds a little bit odd

. Tell them why as soon as you had the opportunity to study Business you grabbed it

. When talking about English Language, the 'l' at the start of Language needs to be a capital

. Tell them WHY you need a good grasp of communication and to be able to express yourself well in business

. Tell them WHY you want to do what you want to do in the future. What are the appeals of being your own boss/running your own business? How will the course equip you for this?

I hope this helps. Any further questions, feel free to send me an email