Arnold Said:

What do you think of my story so far? (Long, but please read!)?

We Answered:

Meh. But much better than what usually gets posted on answers. If this is for a middle school essay then you're in the clear. Anything harder than that... well, you might want to edit.
First: Every time someone speaks, START A NEW PARAGRAPH. That is convention. Do it or your teacher will murder you and hide the body. No joke.
Second: Everyone is waaay too excited about this 'Jake' (that's who Lauren is trying to hook Camille up with, right?). If Camille really was bored and tired and scared of guys, she wouldn't be thinking about the mystery boy, right?
Third: If Lauren and Camille are best friends, Lauren probably has a nickname for Camille - Cam or Callie or something totally random.
Last: Exclaimed? Really? Maybe find a better word than that (blurted, squealed, etc.) and 'got up'? How about 'bounced up' or something with a little more energy?

A good beginning. Edit it a bit and you've got an A.