Martha Said:

Is this a good personal essay?

We Answered:

Remove “being a doctor is the only logical thing that I can think to do with my life” because it is not logical. . .it is something you desire. . .

Knowledge does not come along at being a doctor, remove it and also “be a part of” because you can’t be a part of a doctor. . .unless you mean belonging to some sort of a doctor’s club. . .

And before I invest all my time and energy in being a superb doctor I want to make sure that I truly will love everything that being a doctor has to offer. If I am accepted for the Health Careers Program I have high hopes that it will solidify my interest in medicine. ---- you’re saying that you were a former patient at the hospital that made you want to become a doctor by just observing what activities the staff engaged in. . .and you have not done any other background research on becoming a doctor. . .this gives me an impression that it’s what you think you want to do at the moment

For the second paragraph, remove the very specific date (unnecessary)

For the third paragraph, I don’t think you should mention your absences or lates because they make you look like you will become a bad doctor. You are showing that you are not reliable or dedicated.



You should read your essay out loud to spot grammar mistakes. I see a lot of them.

Also, you should make your essay sound like it has not been written by an elementary student (no offense).

If this essay is an entrance admissions essay, it needs serious revamping!

Note that I’m not trying to be mean or rude to you, I’m criticizing your essay to make it better.

Andy Said:

So I have a chance to start school with an onsite daycare for my kids..16mos and 3yrs.?

We Answered:

I am a radiologic technologist...maybe you want to try that route...i went two years and got my degree. NICU nursing will take a lot out of you and requires experience beyond nursing as does L/D nurses but not as much as NICU...Registered Nursing in itself is also a really good option here.

Zachary Said:

is this a good personal essay?

We Answered:

A few years ago I had surgery for a bacterial infection and I was treated at OHSU for a week. All though it was the most pain I had ever experienced in my whole life, the kind and caring staff at OHSU somehow managed to make me comfortable and almost enjoy every second of my stay.

-->Last year I thought about that time in my life and I realized how grateful I am to have had such a meaningful experience at the hospital (OHSU). This was when I realized I want to be a doctor. I know it takes a sincere desire to help people as well as responsibility, commitment, passion and a continuous need for knowledge.

-->I have not always had an interest and drive to practice medicine and have only recently started to pursue a career in the field. I currently have been in customer service and the experience has been enjoyable and enlightening. I am beginning to appreciate the importance of being able to communicate and empathize with people.

-->Another situation I was able to practice my people skill was the day I volunteered as the Spanish Flu interpreter when Westview High School hosted a Swine Flu Vaccine Clinic.
Being able to communicate the nature of the vaccine as well as the whole process with the patients was an incredibly rewarding experience. Even though I know that having “people skills” is only a fraction of what makes a great doctor, I would like to believe that I made that day go smoother for some of the patients the same way the doctors at OHSU did for me when I was treated there.

->I have also started to challenge myself academically. This year I’m taking an honors program for my Literature & Comprehension (?). I am also taking a higher level math class, Advanced Algebra II. Next year I plan to take AP economy and AP English as well as Spanish VI as well as (hopefully) Health Careers.


I have also improved my attendance. I have had many absences in the past and although it seems simple enough now, I can easily avoid them now. I am a transfer student from my home school, Aloha High School to Westview High school and the time I ride the public bus and the time school starts do not coincide. As a result, if I miss the bus, I run 15 minutes late for school which results in an absence. As my transcript shows, my last absence was several months ago.

I will do everything I can to achieve my goal of becoming a doctor. As the saying goes, “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”. With the help of the Health Careers program I hope my first step will be a lot smoother. If accepted I will honestly give my true effort to learn and embrace everything that this great program has to offer.

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I tried to maintain your writing style and somewhat modified what it seemed like you were trying to say. I might have mixed up the abbreviations for the hospital and your school. I think the ability to empathize with people is what you are trying say, if not then change the words.

I simplified your absences since they are a past problem and you have resolved them. Being on time and stuff is part of maturity and it looks like you have made it through that phase so why dwell on it. Be sure things like that are really shown on your transcript because at my school only your grades are.

This is a good paper and I wish you the best